Let's talk about sex

"sexist men must undergo a process of feminist revolution if they want to be capable of satisfying the needs of feminist women who experience our most intense sexual pleasure in an oppositional space outside the patriarchal phallic imaginary. It is this feminist vision of liberatory heterosexuality that seems to terrify men.

"No wonder, then, that women who want to be sexual with men are perversely reinventing feminism so that it will satifisfy patriarchal desires, so that it can be incorporated into a sexist phallic imaginary in such a way that male sexual agency as we now know it will never need to change." bell hooks (Outlaw Culture, p91)

Being sexual with a man myself I sometimes find it difficult knowing what I want. In the past, my biggest turn-on was being dominated because I found - and still find, sometimes - the submission of women erotic. What I also noticed however, was that whilst being submissive I felt I was watching, rather than experiencing it. I would then use that imagery as an aid to orgasm.

The feeling of being in the moment during sex has therefore been elusive. I have also noticed the same thing affecting men - ever get the sense that they just aren't "there"? The eroticisation of power and domination that I have seen all around me is extremely hard to shift; it invades my sexuality and stops me identifying my real desires.

When we do not analyse these things, when we just accept our desires for what they are instead of wondering what they would be in a non-sexist society, we send mixed messages to the world. Do we want men to be our equals, or do we, deep down, just want brutes? This question sends most mens' heads spinning and therefore the only change they welcome is no change at all.